I feel like I wanna write so many things on blog lately since I had barely no where to shout. I had few close friends but they’re still human with tons of problem and I had to put them first before me so our curhat session always ended up with me, listening and nurturing them with my wisdom craps.

The thing is, I don’t know what I feel now. I’m ‘skipping’ Hari Raya this year simply because I don’t feel like I want to celebrate it. I feel like I’m not worth enough to jump into the crowd and mass euphoria. So I spend my hari raya by eating Indomie Soto Ayam and watching television alone while my father and the rest of my family celebrating it in another province. 

I think I’m depressed. I know its so damn exaggerated but I think I am. I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m not sad but I’m not happy, I don’t feel like I’m in an excruciating life but I’m constantly feel like I need more sleep, I need more time to be away from my daily life and routine. I’m just in a state of feeling nothing. Numb.

Do I search the source of problem yet? I do, I’m trying so hard to figure out why do I have to be such a pretentious bastard whose act like she had nothing on her shoulder all the time, smiling and being funny like there’s no problem in her life. I’m doing excellent at work, at social life, amongst my friends and family. I reached out the figure they’re always bragged about; successful Nani with endless possibilities of career path.

I’m still figuring out but by far I only can tell that its all driven by a loneliness. I’m telling you this, I-Always-Accompanied. In my 24 hours of life, I effectively awaken by 7am – 2pm. In that time range I’ve NEVER being alone. Either I’m at work, or my friends comes and taking me out or I’m taking extra hour to work until late night at the office and yet at the end of the day I still feel all alone and strange when I’m lying in bed. I maximizing my time to not to be alone because I’m afraid with my own head when I’m alone.

Just like now, I’m writing shit since I realize that no matter how busy I am, no matter how many things I do in a day, or how exhausted I am after doing all of those things, I will always ended up in this state: feeling nothing caused of unknown. If its not a depression, then tell me what it is and how to mend this shit that already took almost all of my sober age. 

I don’t know what I want, I want to step out but I want to stay. I want to change but I don’t feel like I want to. I want to go out from this city and starting a new life but I already know how its gonna end. I want to stay but I’m running out of reason of why.

So here I am. 23 and clueless.

Sampit, 20 Juli 2015.