worry not about the source, its a random pic from internet

I remember many many sleepless night and lousy day back in my young day. I remember when I get mad easily and yelled at my mother like she’s the one who should take all the responsibilities of my problem. I can’t even remember if there’s any fine day when I spoke or showed any affection to her back there.

Since my mother died, I’m contemplating too much, I spend too many time of feeling guilty and worthless. I’ve become so sensitive and worrying if there’s any chance of me hurting or taking people for granted. Its all because she’s gone before I even realize that it’s too late to ask for a forgiveness and say that I love her.

Such a lovely feeling to have, eh?

I think it’s my own way to redeem every glance of mistake that I’ve made before.  And by far, a year has gone and I’m still grieving about it.

Forgiving is a hard thing to do, it’s like allowing people to hurt you, like saying “Okay” when somebody tries to do bad things to me. Our native instinct gives us an awareness, a pure defiance of protection. We don’t want to fall so our body has their own system that won’t let us fall. Self-alarming, self-defense, a prevention.

Now how to forgive if we know that those actions would hurt us in some way?

Start with forgiving yourself and accepting your flaws. Accept the fact that we are not flawless, we had an anger, we say a bad word, we hurting people consciously, we forgot, we hold a grudge, we curse, we are weak.

We human does so many mistakes it’s impossible to redeem all of them in our short brief lifespan. Carrying a luggage full of guilty won’t heal any wounds nor erase anything in the past. We just trying to believe that punishment will somehow make us feels better, made us stronger. The fact is, no, it doesn’t.

Punishment pushed you far from the tranquility, I’m so worried that I’ll hurt my dad the way I hurt my mother so I took all my belongings and moving out. I refuse to talk to my family simply because I don’t want to say any bad word with or without my intention in it and make them feel bad about themselves. Months passed by and I spent most of my day alone and thinking and thinking and thinking about my past mistakes.

I smile and laugh once in a while but you know, I’m so restless I don’t even know what the hell am I doing there. I’m so tired of being restless but I never had a chance to sleep well without any bad dreams involves. I never know how to relief. To take a deep breath feels the tranquility and let things go.

I’m not here to say its okay to be reckless and unthoughtful. To shout anything in our mind without thinking about will it hurt anyone who listens or not. I’m just saying, being too sensitive added by carrying a luggage full of guilty won’t take you anywhere.

Now take a deep breath and repeat after me.

Sampit, 31 July 2015